The Deceitful Heart

Hi Friends,

I am writing about four visions that I have been contemplating and in prayer to understand for well over a week. These visions are all related, and they have to do with faithfulness, double-mindedness and our walk with God. It has been hard to write on these topics for the visions have been directed at me. But I hope you will relate to them and perhaps learn from my experiences. It’s always best to learn from someone else’s mistakes rather than make them yourself. So if you are ready for an emotional roller coaster, that is what my life is about right now.

Before you read, I want to add a note. Sometimes the Lord will give me a vision that applies to me personally and at the same time may have a wider application. This is one of those times, so in my next post you will see the broader application of the first two of these four visions.

Visions 1 Show Girl

First I saw a woman dressed like a show girl from the 1800’s.  She appeared to be posing for a  seated portrait.  She wore a short black dress with netting and dark stockings.  A long red plume was placed in her curly hair.

I saw this young woman as a performer. She is someone hired to sing and dance on stage and entertain the men who come to the saloon to drink and gamble.  A show girl is usually unmarried and quite possibly a prostitute.  

As I thought about this vision, I thought, perhaps, the Lord was comparing me to her. Not that I was ever a performer, or that I ever did anything like her, in her line of work.  But I had been praying about whether I should stay or leave my current church. I was in somewhat of a sad or depressed mood, thinking of having to start all over again.

I knew that more than anything else I would miss the three worship and prayer sessions that we had every week.  I have been so blessed to be able to attend and participate. There was true freedom there.  But in my present state of mind, I saw the woman as a performer, and I questioned myself, and asked God, “Am I a performer?”  Is my worship to you merely a performance?”

Now let me explain.  Ever since I have been born again, delivered and filled with the Holy Spirit, I have had problems with worship.  I spent several months, that first year of new birth, just praying and crying—I was so overwhelmed with the goodness of God.  Just speaking his name brought tears to my eyes.  If you were delivered of a demon, as I had been, believe me you would be grateful too.  Just like Mary Magdalene who had seven demons cast out of her. 

My husband thought something was terribly wrong, he said to me, “I thought Christians were supposed to be happy!  You do nothing but cry!”  I just loved the Lord, and spent much time in prayer getting to know him.  I still love the Lord very much!

But I came from an Episcopal church where every service was very predictable.  But this is where I came to know and love the Lord.  Then after my deliverance, I found an Assemblies of God church. The music was much more upbeat than the beautiful hymns of the Episcopal church.  Instead of the solemn, and contemplative atmosphere, to which I was accustomed, in this new denomination, I had a desire to move.  

At the time, I had been holding exercise classes in a Catholic church. But they could not allow me to continue because they needed the space for their own programs.  I asked the pastor of the church I was attending if he would allow me to hold classes at his church.  He gave me permission with the stipulation that we do not dance.  I told him that we exercised to music, for motivation but that the class I taught was more athletic than dance-like.  His objection was largely focused on dancing as couples do.  However, because the pastor took issue with dancing, I tried my best not to sway to the music during worship. 

After this we moved to New Jersey, and attended another Assemblies of God church.  Many of us from the church went to Florida to experience the Brownsville Revival, and later drove to Canada to be a part of the Toronto Blessing.  As a result, the Holy Spirit was poured out on our church, and true freedom broke out.  We all worshiped, sang, shouted, and danced like David danced, with total abandon!  We were filled with the fire of God.  For me, the days of sitting in my pew were over!

After exuberant worship, the devil’s condemnation would come for a visit the following day. “Who told you to be the cheerleader?  Boy, did you look stupid!”

Then after feeling low and thoroughly defeated, I would just tell the Lord, “Well, I would rather be a fool for you than to sit in my pew and do nothing.  I love you, Jesus!” 

So now many years have gone by, and in the process, I have found it very difficult to “fit in.”   My passion and exuberance for the Lord can be off putting to some church goers.  Unlike other churches, I found that my last church seemed to accept me just as I am.  Truly the grace of God.  But now that I have missed five Sundays, I questioned myself, “Have I just made a terrible mistake?”   Oh, how I miss the freedom and the presence of God!

This vision has really affected me.  I believe that the Lord is telling me that I had been performing, which is something I truly detest.  But there is a scripture:  “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”  Romans 2:1

So  I must take the Lord’s rebuke to heart. If he is telling me that I am focusing on how I sing, rather than him, to whom I am singing, then things are out of whack.  Perhaps I have enjoyed the worship, and have taken my eyes off the Lord.

I was just reminded that years ago, I was in worship, when suddenly, I discovered my mind took a hike somewhere else.  I was instantly convicted, I fell down upon the pew and cried. I was ashamed of myself that I could do such a dreadful thing!  Then my eyes opened up and I saw blood dripping on the carpet in front of me.  The Lord was saying to me, “My blood paid for this sin too.”  Now I cried because of the Lord’s love, his tenderness and his faithfulness to me.

So in this church that I recently left, there has been freedom like I have not seen in years, simply  because the congregation allows the Holy Spirit to have his way.  “Now the Lord is Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”  2 Corinthians 3:17  

So nothing has felt right.  I know that the pastor and I are not on the same page, but I do not want to cause a problem for the church, so I have quietly removed myself. But I also dread the thought of having to find another church home.   

I have since tried to worship at home, but it is not the same. I tried another church but the worship seemed mundane.  I began to question myself. What have I done?  Am I being nit picky?  Overly critical.  Is there a perfect church? No.  No church is perfect.  Is it too late to return?  Lord what is your will?   “The heart is deceitful above all else. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9

Visions 2. The Double Mint Gum

I saw a stick of Double Mint Gum in its green wrapper.

When I saw the stick of gum, I knew immediately that the Lord was giving me a gentle rebuke.  I was reminded of the passage in the Book of James, in the Bible, where it speaks of a double minded man.  

“But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”  James 1:6-8

I have gone back and forth over this decision.  I have asked the Lord many times, “Please Lord, will you tell me where do you want me to go?”  In my seeking the Lord for his answer, he gave me two more visions.

The Gray Fence 

After an outdoor worship service this past Sunday, I came home and sat down on my bedroom floor to pray.  Suddenly, I had a vision:

I saw myself standing very close to a fence that was in a parking lot like the church I had visited earlier that day.  In the vision, it was a weathered gray cedar fence, shoulder height.  On the top horizontal rail of the fence was a patch of yellow paint. The strokes appeared as if it were painted by hand.

The yellow paint on the fence reminded me of the yellow lines painted on a street.  I believed that the message God was giving me by this vision was “Go no further.”  

A fence separates two areas. In the vision, I was standing with my left shoulder very close to the fence. The patch of yellow paint was right there in front of me, warning me with these words: “Do Not cross the yellow line.”  

I believe that the Lord is telling me to stop where I am, and go no further.  And where was I in the vision?  I was in the parking lot of the church where they held the outdoor service.  I believe that God is tired of me switching churches too.  He has put up a fence, with me on the same side as the church.  He is telling me to stop looking.  “Do not cross this boundary.  This is where you belong.”

Well, back to the Double-mint gum…  I guess everything was fine until after prayer yesterday.  One of my new prayer partners just told me that she had gone to this same church not long ago,  and…….  She gave me her opinion.  She said something that I have always felt strongly about, so I began to doubt again!

Remember the passage of scripture quoted above was all about doubt:

“But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”  James 1:6-8

So I had been given the Lord’s answer, but I began to doubt that I might not have really understood, or applied the vision’s meaning to the right circumstance, for I was also praying for direction on another situation.  I went back to praying to understand, to which situation did this message apply.

This morning I received this vision:

The Diver

As we ended our group prayer, I came home and sat down again to pray for more understanding.  Then I had a vision:   I saw a man in a Olympic style dark swimsuit perform a perfect jack-knife dive.

This was not the first vision I have had about diving.  Years earlier, I saw my son dive into a pool.  I knew at the time that God was telling me that when he was ready, he would not be timid, walking on the edge of the pool, barely getting his feet wet.  No—when my son was to come into the kingdom of God, he was going to come in a big way.  He dove head first into the water letting me know that he was “all in,” and he was going to make a big splash!  Hallelujah!

In this vision, I saw the jack knife dive, and I saw it as a confirmation.  I believe that God was confirming his choice of churches.  “Don’t have any reservations—Just dive in!”

Moments later, I wanted to confirm, once more, that I was really understanding his will. So I opened my devotional, having made an earlier request to show me the word “water,” “liquid,” “sea,” or “lake,” if He wanted me to go to this new church whose name was “Liquid.” They selected that name because their focus as a missionary church, was to drill wells for people in various countries that have no source for clean, fresh water.

So God is faithful once more.  He is so patient with me!

I opened my devotional, “My Utmost for his Highest,” to the page with a reading for August 21.  The title read:  “The Ministry of the Unnoticed,” with the inspirational scripture: “Blessed are the poor in spirit…”  Matthew 5:3

This was significant, because it validated the first vision of the performer.  Someone who performs before other people is doing it to be seen:

“Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.  Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others.  Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.  But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret.  And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”  Matthew 6:1-4

This is the sin that the Lord was addressing in me. Lord please forgive me.  And return me to my first love.  Help me to worship you in private.  Help me to be unaware of myself, or anyone else but you, in worship and in prayer.  And help me to have no care as to how others may see me.

“I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” Jeremiah 17:10 Forgive me, Jesus.

In this same reading “The Ministry of the Unnoticed,” there was another confirmation.  I had asked for the Lord to show me the word “water,” or one of the others words that would confirm whether or not I was to go to Liquid Church.

Here is the passage on that same page:  

“He who believes in me….out of his heart will flow rivers of living  WATER.”  John 7:38

Hallelujah!  God is faithful!  I asked to see something and he was faithful to show me!  Isn’t he wonderful? So you can ask the Lord about things you don’t understand or about what his will is for your life.  He will give you an answer.   He is good. 

“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”  Jeremiah 29:13  

And:  “If any of you lacks wisdom, we should ask God who gives generously without finding fault.”  James 1:5

And:  “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know!”  Jeremiah 33:3

And: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Hallelujah! The Lord wants us to know his will. If we humble ourselves and seek his guidance, he is pleased to share his heart with us!  Praise the Lord for he is good!

Please share this with others, for we all need to be encouraged. God bless you all!